Dealing with the loss of a child is exhausting. After reading On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler I understand why. Grieving is hard work.

I never knew there was so much to deal with.

First the authors outline five stages of grief:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

I think that last one is misnamed. I would call it Resignation. I may have to resign myself to the reality of Richard’s death, but I’ll never accept it. It’s unacceptable – I just can’t do anything about it.

Unfortunately this list isn’t a follow-the-dots pathway to healing. We are all different. We grieve differently. These are just general guidelines of what to expect.

Then there are what the book calls the “Inner World of Grief.” This section of the book goes through the many different things we grieve for when we lose someone. This shows why grieving is so hard – it’s just so complex.

The section on regrets hit home for me. There are the obvious regrets of not doing something to prevent Richard’s death. Of not seeing the signs. But there is also the regret of what will be missed.

I didn’t just love Richard, I also liked him. I enjoyed being around him. If I had been his peer instead of his parent, I’m certain we’d have been pals. I was looking forward to that time when our parent – child relationship could change to a friendship. That transformation had in fact already begun. I was looking forward to going to ballgames with him, and maybe doing a business venture with him.

That lost future is a big grieving area for me.

The book also covers the “Outer World of Grief.” About dealing with the rest of the world while we deal with the pain. About anniversaries, holidays, health changes and more.

The authors then cover some specific circumstances such as death and children, suicide, sudden death and others.

It’s a detailed look at grief. It covers a lot of ground and I’m sure many of the topics will bring you insight.

The biggest lesson I’ve taken from the book is to not look for the easy out. There isn’t one. We have to find our own path, and we’ll stumble and fall many times along the way. Our society doesn’t support grieving people very well. We all think a person should “be over it” in a few months. We won’t.

Reading this book could help you deal with that.