A big question many of us must face after losing a child is when do I go back to work?
Most are probably like me – you need the money, so you have to go back as soon as your employer’s funeral leave has ended.
My employer gives us 5 days paid time off for the loss of a close family member, including one of our children. I took a week of vacation after this so we could take Sarah back to Texas.
At first I thought it would be better to get back to some form of “normal.” Keep busy. That sort of thing.
A coworker lost his step-daughter a few years back. He told me his wife was basically nonfunctional for three months after her death. He was able to get some medical leave for this time period.
I’m starting to think that would be a good plan.
I have a job that involves industrial equipment. I can be dangerous – to myself and others. I really had no business being in that position for a long time after I went back to work. I had absolutely no focus on the job.
I can now usually concentrate enough, for long enough to get tasks accomplished.
But I have to act like I’m not thinking about Richard all the time. And that’s exhausting.
By the end of the week I’m worn out. I’m glad the economy has slowed and we aren’t working any weekends.
So I’m wondering if it wouldn’t have been better to be off for several months early on. Maybe get past some of the stress.
Or maybe you never get past the stress.
6 responses to “When Should You Return to Work?”
Going back to work was difficult for me because, I only wanted to go back so I could have normalcy. However, I spend 70 hours at work, my co-workers are like family, they want to hug you, cry with you etc….very difficult! I had to transfer to another store so I could make it through a day.
Heidi, people don’t realize how tiring it is trying to appear normal – when you may never be normal again.
And you’re right, it’s kind of uncomfortable when you go back. When you care about your co-workers, and they care about you, and there’s nothing either of you can do to take away the pain, there’s just an unspoken tension for awhile.
You have to learn where the hiding places are.
I have been out of work since my son died on May 19th 2012,I work in the operating room as a scrub nurse and Im just petrified of the idea of going back.My job is so stressful and Im so unsure of myself, I feel safe at home I barely can drag myself to the store thinking I might run into someone I know. My worst fear is having a mental break down away from home it really scares me. I dont know why Im so afraid of things that should be normal for most people but I am. When will I know when the right time will be? People think that I should be bouncing back but Im not, they just dont get it. Im still very weak mentally and physically, when will I know?
mj,
I sorry for the loss of your son.
You’re right when you say people don’t get it. They don’t – and they can’t if they’ve never had a child die. The imagination can’t go where this takes us.
You’ve been less than 2 months. I’ve know people that grieved the loss of a pet for longer than that. You have to be willing to give yourself time. Everyone is different, so there’s no timeline that says at 2 months you should be feeling X and at 6 months you should feel Y.
It’s not a mental breakdown, you’re not going crazy. You’re facing one of the most painful experiences anyone can have. The people around you don’t know about this experience, so you don’t have the support you would get with other problems in life.
Being around people that have been down this road is helpful. Debbie likes The Compassionate Friends. They havve local chapters all over, and the members are other grieving parents.
I read books. Just my style, and it fits my work schedule better.
Our kids have died, but we haven’t, and we have to go on. It just takes a lot of time. You have to be able to give yourself that time.
Bless you on your journey.
My son passed away on April 7th. We buried him on the 12th. I was preparing for a large project at work that kicked off on the 12th. For reasons unknown, I decided to go back to work 2 days after his funeral. Worked the projects remaining duration of 38 days, 12 to 14 hours a day.
I was completely useless the entire time. I should have turned it over to someone else. Yet, even in that time of shock and grieving, my pride wouldn’t let me do it. I feel like I missed out on some crucial grieving time. Time I should have been home, instead of trying to hide behind my work.
That’s a smart way of thinking about it.