Yesterday was Mother’s Day. A hard day for all bereaved moms.
It was Debbie’s first Mother’s Day with Richard gone. It came with all the pain of no longer having him there to tell her “Happy Mother’s Day”, of not getting another goofy card from her kid and from just knowing he is gone.
But it is also a tough day for both of us because on Mother’s Day one year ago, we saw Richard for the last time.
He worked on Saturday night, as a waiter at Logan’s Steak House. He drove to our house after he got off work, arriving in the early morning hours, so he could visit his mom on Mother’s Day. He went to church with us and got to stay for just a short time after, as he had to work that afternoon.
We told him goodbye and watched him leave for Lexington. That was the very last time we laid eyes on him. We never saw Richard again.
So we knew it would be a stressful day.
How did we handle it?
We decided to run away – sort of.
Debbie still has a hard time making it through church without tears. She remembers seeing Richard at mass every week, usually standing in the back and getting “volunteered” to help the ushers. The sermons on Mother’s Day often revolve around motherhood type themes. There is also a recognition of the moms at the service, usually they are asked to stand and all us non-moms clap for them. We knew this would be an emotional land mine for her.
So we didn’t go to church Sunday. Sorry God – please forgive us.
We went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. But we didn’t go to our local Cracker Barrel in Shelbyville. We drove to Louisville to eat.
After returning home and changing clothes we went to Kroger and bought some stuff for supper and some flowers – tulips – to take to the cemetery.
We put tulips at my mom’s grave and at Richard’s.
We also cleaned the bird poop off Richard’s headstone and did a few plantings at his grave.
The plan was to go home, fix dinner on the grill and watch some movies together.
We just wanted to stay away from everyone and spent the day together.
That was the plan.
Then I got a call from my dad. He said the tomato plants were already too tall and I needed to come over and get them before the rain came in tonight. My dad is the tomato plant supplier for all of our family.
So I went to the farm and got tomato plants. I brought them home.
Debbie and I then spent a good portion of the remaining day light planting tomatoes. We put in 25 plants.
Then we fixed our ribeye’s on the grill.
It was a nice day in a sad sort of way.
9 responses to “Mother’s Day”
it is so good you can talk about his death scotty died 5 years ago nov 16 2005
i dont think i have started to greive him sometimes i think i didnt love him because why dont greive him , i hsve feelings but i just dont feel them i know i probaly am not making sence so i will close sorry for ur loss
Loreen,
I’m sorry that you lost Scotty.
I’ve been studying this grieving thing pretty hard. I’ve learned we all do it differently. Your way is not the same as mine. That’s not bad, it just is.
It’s a matter of survival. We each do what we have to.
Blessings to you.
Thank you for this post. My son died in 2006, and my daughter was stillborn this past December (2010). The straightforwardness of your post was quite comforting. I think that acknowledging days like Mother’s Day is important, but allowing yourself to exist outside of those days is essential. Only a bereaved parent would understand that.
My best to you and your wife. ((hugs))
Hi Becky,
Thanks for the kind words and the hugs. I know today was another hard one for you. I hope you could find peace.
We pretty much made a repeat of last year, except change the story to Denny’s for breakfast and take out the tomato plants.
Blessing to you.
I heard a story that angels leave tokens of silver to let you know they were there (usually a dime). On my Birthday, almost a month after my son passed, I was sad because he was always the first to wish me a Happy Birthday. I wrote on his facebook wall with tears and asking why no dimes??? tears began flowing, at work I had to go to the bathroom. While wiping my tears, my coat pocket starting singing. I was scared to look because I may have keys in my pocket. I slowly reached my hand in my pocket and pulled out 7 dimes!!!! I felt him with me at that moment, that didn’t help the tears any…
Heidi,
Thanks for sharing that story. I think our kids find a way to communicate with us from time to time.
I’m still waiting for Richard to send me the password to his laptop.
Have you tried a computer geek? There is a way to get into it. 🙂
My 12 year old daughter passed away suddenly from an atv accident on May 19,2012. We spent the whole Mother’s day together just 6 days before she passed, she made me breakfast and made crafts and posters for me. She also gave me this poem that I want to share –
“You have taught me to be beautiful from the inside out.
“And every day you let me know I am loved without a doubt.
“You listen to my thoughts and dreams and understand my fears.
“You celebrate my special days and wipe away my tears.
“You let me do some grownup things and little girl stuff, too.
“That’s why when it comes to moms, I’m glad that mine is you.”
My life will never be the same, I will miss so much, I even missed her Grade 6 Graduation to Junior High. I think about her constantly and how I won’t get to see her grow up. This truly is the worst pain imaginable..
Heather
Heather, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Reading your post brought me back to my loss…the confusion, stress, anxiouty and pain. I have since numbed myself through medication. I can’t say that’s good or bad. The loss of my son absolutely killed my being. This is some place I never wanted to be and a person I never wanted to become. I can’t imagine living my life with this pain.
I found a compassionate friends meeting in my town and I can say that helps. I found this site in eager help for some relief of what I am experiencing. It certainly helps talking about it and is difficult to talk to friends and family because I need to vent, not have pity.
My son was a bright 20 year old, becoming a man. The thought of never seeing him kills me!!!! A pain I CANNOT live with. I recommend you seek help through a doctor. The pain was so unbearable for me I tried to take my life. I spent a week on the psyc ward and they forced me to take medication. I am not sure if its the right thing, not feeling, but it certainly helps. I wish you all the love and compassion. I am deeply sorry for your loss, Heather.