It’s now been two and a quater years since Richard died. It seems like it was just yesterday, and it feels like it’s been a lifetime.
After all this time, I still often feel like it’s not real… like Richard is still here. I often expect him to walk into the house, and just flash that sheepish grin when he sees our shocked expression. I just don’t feel like he’s really dead.
Then the tidal wave will wash over me. You know, that tsunami that just overwhelms you when you realize you’ll never see your kid again… at least on this earth. I think that’s my brain talking. My brain has processed Richard’s death and added that piece of data to all the rest it has stored away. And every so often, my brain has to assert itself and point out the facts as it knows them. Richard is dead, and I’m not going to see him again.
So why do I keep getting this feeling that’s not really true?
When we think about our feelings we most often talk about them coming from the heart. I know I find myself even clutching my chest when I think about these strong feelings. Like they’re coming from deep within. From my very core.
I wonder, is this where our soul is?
Is our soul at our core, at our heart?
I use the term soul because of my religious faith. But maybe that’s not what you call it. I’m talking about that spiritual part of us, the part that keeps on going when our body stops. The part of us we believe is eternal.
Does our soul know those other souls are out there, the ones that no longer are tied to a human body? Can it “feel” their presence even when we can’t see them? What does the soul know?
When I think of Richard, and wonder where he is, even speak out to him, I find myself looking to the sky – to the heavens. Most religions even call that place our souls go “Heaven”. Is that where he is now, out in the sky somewhere?
Or is he right here still, but just in another dimension – one our physical bodies can’t detect? Maybe Richard is here now, looking over my shoulder as I type.
We know of at best 4 dimensions: length, width, height and time. That’s all we can tell about with our limited bodies. But physicists believe there are many, many times more dimensions. I read a book called The Black Hole Wars that dealt with the battle of the physicists over these theories. It talked about string theory and it made my head hurt. But these guys are all pretty darn sure there are a bunch of dimensions.
Maybe one of those dimensions is where the spirit lives. Could be right here on earth, kind of a parallel universe. And maybe our souls know it’s there. It can’t communicate with it in any fashion we understand – except maybe for a few “sensitive” people. But still, our soul has some connection with that place.
And that’s why deep down inside we know our kids are still with us. Our brains don’t get it.
But our souls know.
17 responses to “What Does The Soul Know?”
You described my thoughts so well. All the questions I have been asking myself over the last few weeks…
I cried just reading your interpretation of the soul. My son died on May 27, 2012 one month after his birthday April 27, 2012. He just turned 19. He died suddenly…………..I’m devastated and I feel my life has ended. I feel that I’ve been crippled. I read books on grief my bible and anything else that can attempt to help me get thorugh this. Unfortunately, nothing is stopping the pain.
Laurie, I understand how you feel. I still cry at times and it’s been three year since Richard died. I often find myself rereading something Joe has written, and the tears will flow, or just seeing something that reminds me of Richard, oh, there are so many.
I’m sorry for the loss of your son, and I know how devastating it is. Somehow we get through one day at a time, I don’t know how, but we do. As for the pain, well I don’t think it ever goes away, it does get a little softer, easier to carry, but still there. I’ve come to the conclusion though that it is a good thing because it means he was loved deeply, and he mattered. The pain stays with us under the surface, but the memories he left can lighten it. And Richard left us with so many wonderful memories. As I would set and cry at the loss, I would smile at a memory. It is very hard to explain. I guess that’s why I don’t write about it like Joe does, he has a way with words that just expresses things so well. For me I talk and talk and talk. If given the opportunity I would talk about Richard all the time. The best outlet I’ve found was The Compassionate Friends support group. I can go there and talk about Richard or just listen to the others speak about the child/children they lost. It doesn’t take the pain away, but it helps.
All we can do is take one day one step at a time, and it sure does hurt, but I know I would be disappointing my son if I did any less. So I take it one day at a time.
I lost my wonderful son on May 19 2012,he wasnt found until may 21st.He was riding his motorcycle and went off the road I searched for him for 2 days.I just feel like Ill never be the same without Van here with me,I miss him so much that I just cant stand it. No more phone calls no more visits we were so close,Inever thought anything like this would ever happen but it did. People just seem to go on with their lives and Im still here enduring the pain of losing my child. Sometimes I just want to say imagine if your child never walked through your door again how do you think that you would go on? but I dont want to be cruel,I just want a little understanding that Im not ready to move on.
Hi MJ,
I am so sorry about the death of your son. I do know exactly how you feel. You are living every parents worst nightmare – how to go on without our child. It certainly isn’t easy and most people don’t understand at all. It is also a nightmare we wouldn’t wish on anyone else EVER.
It’s been three years since we lost our son, Richard and it still hurts. I’ve come to realize the pain is something I will have forever, maybe a little softer that it was at the beginning, but it still hurts.
One of the things I did was find a local chapter of “The Compassionate Friends” and began going to their meetings. This group is made up of grieving parents only. Each and every one of them know what we’re going through. I found I could spent time there with people who would listen, and cry with me, give me a hug, and support even pass the tissues. Their national web-site has a chapter locator which is how I found one close here. You might give them a try, you will find they understand and are ready to listen.
As I said previously, it’s been three years for us and we still haven’t been able to go through Richard’s things. We keep the door to his room closed. It’s hard, but as I write this I realize it’s hard because he was such a wonderful young man, a joy in our life, he meant the world to us. Because the love was so strong, I guess the pain should be no less.
Please take care, and know there are more of us out here suffering as you are, you are not alone in your grief. Give The Compassionate Friends a try when you’re ready.
I feel that from one mother’s heart to another mother’s heart we can all feel each others pain from the separation of our children that have past. My daughter Ally passed on Christmas night, 2011, in her sleep from a seizure. Life has changed forever. Ally was 24 years old, my dearest friend, & beautiful daughter.
To all mothers, our children are with us always, in the greatest unconditional love we shared.
One evening after praying & meditating in our backyard, where Ally & I & our family shared beautiful memories, I took a photo feeling a presence of great love, surrounding me. I felt compelled to take a photo of the sunset. As I took the photo I saw a golden image , in the photo, so I continues to take pics with my iPhone.
As I views the photo’s in the 2nd photo with my iPhone I saw the face of Ally in the golden light! I cried, knowing she was with me, as I sat in my backyard that day singing to her, after praying & meditating. Our children are always with us, I believe that wholeheartedly.. It’s a profound feeling of longing in my heart, that I have to see her & hold her again. Ally has shown me many times that she is with me in the greatest love we shared as mother & daughter. I hope this gives hope to other’s.. Thank you for letting me share a bit of my miracle with you.
I have found myself searching the internet, tv shows, anything that has to do with the loss of a child. I came about this by watching a video of John Edwards. I lost my dear son Jason 9 months ago. He was only 26 years old. Jason was and still is the love of my life. He taught me more in the 26 years he lived here on earth then I could have ever taught him. He took care of so many while he was here but disregarded himself at times. He was intelligent, and courageous but battled an addiction that eventually took his life. Not many knew of his struggles because he was very functioning, but he told me a few months before his relocation to Heaven that he wouldn’t make it to his 27th birthday. I feared everyday, and every night. I know that my son is very much alive, and is serving a higher purpose, and for that I am grateful, but my heart grieves on a daily basis with a pain so stabbing that I sometimes wish life would hurry by and allow me to go home to be with him. I have no answers on how to survive this except to honor him by going on, and making him proud of me. I am and will always be his mom, and this is a knowledge I hold dear to my heart. I’m searching for ways to honor my son for all the goodness he brought to this earth, and to those he loves. I will never stop this search until I am gone. I’m grateful for these sites, and to all those who have had to experience the most painful loss in this world, I tell you that we are not alone in our endeavor’s, and for that I am grateful. Our babies are always with us forever and for all eternity.
You’ve hit the ball out the park! Inebrdicle!
Tessa, You described me and my son exactly. He was the love of my life. His personality sounds so much like my son. He was caring, giving, would do anything for anyone but as yours didn’t take care of himself and had addiction problems. I know that he is the only person that really loved me. He was saved a year before he passed. I am broken but like everyone else am trying to keep going on. He did so much for me before he passed on. His goal was to make sure I had what I needed. He took care of my car expenses when needed bought me new appliances I could go on and on but the bottom line is I am left with a broken heart.
I agree that sharing with other parents who have lost children seems to help. I lost my son, Richard, just 2 1/2 weeks ago. We are still waiting on the autopsy report, but it appears drugs may have been involved. Richard was 18, enrolled in a scholar program at the community college, and worked 2 part-time jobs. He was a brilliant, kind young man, and this loss has been devastating. I found him in his bed on Sat. morning when I went to see why he wasn’t at work. Although I tried CPR and called 911, it was apparent that his heart had already stopped and our efforts were fruitless. I have another son, Phillip, who is 21, and he has been my support beam during this time. Words cannot express my pain and sorrow right now. It is oftentimes unbearable and I just want to die. Then, I think about my family and realize I still have another son that I am responsbile for, so that gives me just enough to keep going. This is honestly the worst thing I have ever dealt with, and I have dealt with a lot of loss (my mother died when I was 10, lost an older brother when I was 13, lost a niece when I was 36, lost a sister just a year ago to breast cancer), but nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to this. I am working part time right now, mostly from home, but next week I am attempting to go back to the office. I manage 60 people, so I have an enormous responsibility, so hope I do okay. God Bless all the heartbroken parents that have had to feel this pain in their life.
I am so very sorry to hear of your great loss. My heart goes out to you. Drugs may take away our children here on earth, but once they leave that addiction ends! They are of great worth to a loving Heavenly Father and will live on with him preparing a way for us when we leave this earth. You are fortunate to have support from family members. Jason’s departure tore our family apart, mostly because of their lack of faith that Jason lives on. There will be many hard days ahead but you are not alone! Our children are with us everyday, in memories and in spirit. You are in my prayers. Keep writing, it helps to heal.
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your children. We are all climbing the mountain each day. Our children are with us helping us & they are happy in perfect joy & love in the light of His Presence . I firmly believe that our children are with us in the greatest love shared between a mother & child. Mothers prayers are always answered in Heaven.
Like I have said I prayed so hard for my daughter Ally to come to me because of my broken heart. & she has come to me in photos taken with my iPhone when I was meditating. I ha e 3 images that I hold and look at each day knowing she is a divine angel a spirt of light which is so comforting for me.
I miss & long for her each day and it will be 2 years on Dec 26. We have our children’s love in our heart & soul forever into eternity until we see them again in the world of spirit.
We are always connected to our children , keep talking to them. they hear us..
Hi on reading your story Jo on the Soul I can truley understand your every emotion I best liked the way you described that wave that comes over you ,yes it is like a tsunami ,it just comes from nowhere I know myself I can’t think logically when it hits me it is devistating.
I lost my 17 year old daughter 14 months ago,my daughter Madisson died in her sleep,she went to bed a happy healthy girl and I woke to find her past away in her sleep that I know I will never get over.I waited for A whole year on the coroners findings only to be told that she had died of natural causes,you can imagine how heart wrenching that news was,no answers no closer no goodbyes. julie
Its been 16 months since my son Jason left us. It hasn’t gotten any easier in the sense that I’m still in shock that he hasn’t called or come over to see me. I don’t think our minds comprehend this because our kids ARE
very much alive!!!! I had a friend who died several years ago. She had breast cancer and battled it for well over 2 years. She left behind 5 children and a husband. She said something that stuck with me all this time. She said that she was just going into the next room when it was her time to leave. I believe my son and all our children are just around the corner, probably visiting us often trying their best to reach out and let us know they are here. That thought gives me great comfort. How could we ever go on if this knowledge wasn’t true? Heavenly Father entrusted us with these beautiful children. I don’t believe it was ever His intent to take them away from us forever, only for a time. Our children are on the road their eternal progression. We will meet with them someday and our joy will be enormous. This is our hope and our security that this is a very short part of our lives here on earth. Eternity is forever, and that’s where we will have them again. God in His infinite wisdom promises this to us. Have hope, and look forward to that day.
I am sad for all of for losing our children friends and other loved ones. God is our healer savior and gift to keep going on earth. This part is for Brenda Willis-White. A friend told me something similar to what you were told also that as far as she was concerned heaven could be in the next room. Brenda I commend you for writing such a good description of our existence, our children and God’s work in our lives and in our loved ones lives. Thank you
I believe also that there are many dimensions that we don’t know about in this life. I wonder to if the soul is the core of our heart. Thank you for this website and for your writing about the soul.