Here’s a quick tip for you.
If you miss a call on your phone, and don’t recognize the number, and when you call back they answer, “Fayette County Coroner” – your day is about to go in the toilet.
Mine did.
It got worse.
After apologizing for breaking the news to me over the phone, the coroner lady told me they had the sheriff stopping by our house to inform us of are sons death, but no one was home. My wife Debbie was at a class in Louisville that night. I didn’t want her coming home to have a deputy sheriff waiting for her in the driveway. I knew I had to be the one to tell her that her baby was dead. So I called her.
No wonder I hate phones.
Our son Richard was 22 years old, would have been 23 at the end of August had he lived.
Three years before his death, Richard got sick. The whole story is long, but the short version is he had a sinuous infection that broke through his skull in the area over his eyes. It then abscessed into his brain.
This required two brain surgeries to remove successfully. His doctors decided to not return the part of his skull that formed his forehead because of possible infection. He had to have another operation after all the infection was cleared to replace this bone with a plastic replacement plate.
The operations left him with scare tissue in his brain, just as a cut leaves scar tissue on the skin.
This scar tissue was a place that could trigger seizures.
He had seizures on two occasions. The first time he wasn’t on medication. It’s believed he was being lax taking the medication on the second time.
Both seizures were massive. They caused his entire body to convulse. They came nonstop. They were medical emergencies and he ended up staying in the hospital for several days after each. A couple of days in intensive care after the second seizure.
But he was taking medication – Kepra – and things were going well. He had been more than a year and a half seizure free.
Richard was a full time student. He had a part-time job. He lived in an apartment by himself. This of course made us pretty nervous. We knew that if he had a seizure in his apartment alone, the outcome would be disaster.
Richard was very close to his cousin Hannah. They grew up together and went through all of our family big events together. Hannah was graduating from college. Richard should have been too, but he lost a couple of years school work during all his medical adventures. He told Hannah he had brain surgery so she could have a graduation party all to herself. We were having a family gathering to celebrate her accomplishment on a Saturday afternoon. My wife Debbie talked to Richard on Friday night and he said he couldn’t make it to the party because he had to work. But he might come home on Sunday.
I sent him a text message on Saturday night to see if he was coming home. He didn’t answer. That wasn’t too unusual – I didn’t know what hours he was working. He didn’t make it home that weekend. I sent him a message early in the week to see how he was. I got no answer. That made me anxious. But there had been another time he didn’t respond to calls or text messages. I got concerned then. It turned out his phone had quit. He was using cheap Walmart phones and they didn’t last. So I tried to stay calm.
On Thursday evening I sent him another text message from work to see how he was. No answer. More nerves. Then about 10pm I got a call over my radio at work to come to a phone. I looked at my cell phone and saw I’d missed a call. I didn’t recognize the number. But it was from Lexington where Richard lived. I thought maybe his phone was dead again and he was calling from work or a friends place to touch base. I called the number.
And the nightmare that never ends began.
111 responses to “Richard”
[…] was a very nice day. But like everyday since that awful day, it was missing something, and we were missing […]
[…] Richard’s story. […]
I totally know understand what you are going through because we lost our only son three years ago. He died of HCM a heart disease that athletes just drop dead from because it goes undetected until it’s too late. We got the call too. He would be 23 this March also. What really irritates me is that people(most) tell you that it is going to get better!! How do they know? Why do they keep trying to fix it ? The only way it would get fixed I tell them is if he would walk through that door. Feel free to share your feelings with me .I understand Sincerely Denise
Hi Denise,
Thanks for sharing your experiences and welcome. (I always feel stupid saying “Welcome” to people on this blog. No one wants to be here. But you know what I mean.)
Your comments here and those you left on other posts help others in this club no one wants to join.
[…] As my shift at work was winding down that Thursday evening, I was thinking about how I would spend the vacation time I had scheduled for the next day. I was taking off on Friday to have a long weekend. My wife Debbie and I were planning to celebrate our wedding anniversary over the weekend, though our actual anniversary date had been on Wednesday. Then I got ”the call.” […]
I understand the pain from your loss. I lost my beautiful son MartyJanuary 19th, 2010 after a routine aortic valve replacement that the dr said was “text book”, but following the surgery he told me and my family he was in “unchartered waters.” Marty was 34 years old and healthy til walking into the hospital in Pinehust, NC. I work everyday to try to make dr’s and hospitals accountable for what they do or don’t do. My pain is unbearable. Thank you for sharing about your son Richard. He is a very handsome young man. I know you must miss him so much. Feel free to share, I really understand.
Becky Loflin
Hi Becky,
I really sorry to hear about Marty. I know the first anniversary of his death was hard for you to deal with.
The medical profession does some good things, but they’re human and screw up too.
A generic replacement for Richard’s seizure medication came out and the pharmacist had to give it to us. I told Richard to call his neurologist and make sure it was OK. Of course being a strong, healthy young man he thought he was bulletproof and didn’t get around to it.
Generics are NOT the same as the patent drugs they replace. We shouldn’t have to find that out from the medical examiner.
It’s hard to not become bitter when things like this happen to our children isn’t it?
I hope you can find forgiveness in your heart. It won’t be easy.
Remember you’re not alone.
Richard, Thank you for your kind words. I will never find forgiveness for the dr who performed the surgery that took my son’s life. He showed no compassion to me and my family and refuses even today to speak with us. he cannot imagine the pain and devastation we suffer each day we live. There is no excuse for a dr who is arrogant and portrays himself as the only dr who is capable to perform an aortic valve replacement procedure. This dr continues to practice today in another state. My life is ruined, but that’s okay. My pain is for my precious son Marty whose life was taken and he does not get to enjoy his two precious girls and all the things he loved.
Thank you for this website and your son’s story. I have not lost a child but I am greiving my mother loss this past January. It has been devastating. No one understands until they experience it. I can’t say I fully understand the loss of your son but I can only imagine. It helps to know the mix of emotions that we go through related to loss and grief. This is why I visiting websites that deal with the loss of a loved one. Everything you discussed rings true–I take each day as it comes and try to get through. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Hi Christine,
I’m sorry you lost your mom. It’s hard to deal with.
My mom died nearly 11 years ago. For a long time I’d see something or think of something that I knew would interest her and think, “I’ve got to tell mom about that.” Then I’d remember that I couldn’t do that anymore.
Richard’s grave is in front of her’s, so I talk to her pretty regularly.
It’s comforting to know she’s with Richard, and was there to help him when he left this world.
Time did make it better with my mom. Hang in there.
I am sitting here reading your stories like a starving child as I too lost my Son Joshua at the age of 28 on June 8th 2008 to cancer and I never get to talk about it as people are always telling me to let it be and let go and move on. I am sorry for your loss and as I know your pain well,I can say I am SORRY for your loss. Not 1 day passes I don’t wish Josh back. He left 2 young boys and I will never forget the smallest one tried to climb in the coffin with his Daddy,I will NEVER be ok,I will NEVER move on,I only wait to see him again.We had 1 month from the time we found his cancer to the day he passed,but no one ever said goodbye,no one believed he was going to die,I guess we were in denial. I did go seek help once because I really felt as though I wanted to die,but as soon as the lady told me my grief was holding Josh back from moving on into spiritual life,I walked out and never looked back.My heart aches for you,my heart ACHES for your loss,it is a struggle each day putting one foot in front of the other..God bless our Broken hearts..Thank you for letting me share my pain and also for letting me know a little bit of Richard..what a great guy..xoxo Valerie momma to ^j^ Joshua
Hi Valerie,
I’m sorry for what happened to Joshua and I know no words can heal your pain.
You’re right about not “getting over it” as a lot of people think we should. From what I’ve learned from others that have been on this road longer than we have, is we learn to adjust and live with the pain. And the pain softens.
Your two little grandsons will need you to help you learn about their daddy. I’m guessing that someday teaching them about your son will be a comfort for you.
Have you tried The Compassionate Friends (TCF)? You’ll be with people that know where you are, because they’re there with you. At the very least you get to talk about your son with people that don’t think you need to move on.
I just finished a book co-written by a bunch of bereaved mom’s. They were all big fans of TCF. My wife is a regular at the meetings of our chapter of TCF.
Bless you.
…people telling you to move on…:(
That is the worse thing to say to someone, or it will just take time. Healing from an accident takes time. My son will never walk through my door, wrap his arms around me, kiss me, tell me he loves me….I read on one of these post that the pain gets softer…well put. I can’t imagine getting over this, moving on or any of that! I totally feel your heart! I also will NEVER move on! It is a relief to hear your post, after almost 3 years! I was scared to think you just move on…I don’t want to. Much love Valarie!!! 🙂 …and thank you!
Hello my name is Anthony and i’m from Hawaii, 22 days ago my 18 yr old daughter Tayler went out with some friends to Waikiki. Just kids having fun & being kids. She had a cerfew of 1am. She never made it home. She was killed in a single car accident on a very dangerous road in Kaimuki. She wasnt drinking, wasnt speeding, & had her seatbelt on but still shes gone. She just graduated from Kamehameha High School & was attending Kapiolani Comm. College studying art & photography. Tayler did everything right that night 10/28/11 but still suffered unsurvivable injuries. She came down a very steep hill and @ the bottom of that hill is a dip in the road. Which caused her car to hydroplane. Taylers car slid sidewards for about 50 yards finally coming to a crashing rest against the corner of a school entrance. Tayler was killed instantly. We are currently trying to get the city to change that stop light back to a 4 way stop with stop signs. You see the city thought it would be a good idea to p[ut a stop light there. There have been neumerous accidents since the stop light was installed but so far Tayler is the only fatality. It is impossible to describe my feelings when i had to go down to the medical examiners office & indentify my daughter. At 18 yrs old she was just starting life & this seems so unfair & not real to me. I have my days of total depression. And days that are a little better. But my life will never be the same.
Hi Anthony,
I’m so sorry you’ve joined this club of parents that have lost a child. The membership dues are just too high.
Going to identify Taylor at the medical examiners had to be really hard. We didn’t have to do that with Richard. We never saw him dead. I’m not sure if it makes things easier to accept and believe because you see it with your own eyes like you had to do, or if it’s easier if you only have memories of them when they were alive like we have. I think neither way is easy.
I know you feel like you live your life on a yoyo right now, sometimes up, but other times down. It never really goes away, but you do learn to just deal with the sadness. The bad days become less crushing over time.
Just realize it takes a lot of time, and give yourself that time.
Blessings to you.
Thank you for the site. My son Alex was killed on February 18, 2011. He was 17. He was killed instantly by a tow truck as a pedestrian. I never knew that the world could feel so bleak and ugly.
I am sorry for your loss.
Hi Janie,
I’m so sorry that you’ve lost Alex. You aren’t alone, and we grieve with you.
The world does often feel bleak and ugly. This was really true for us as we faced that first Christmas without Richard, as you are now facing without Alex.
But something we must remember – the beauty of the world is still out there. It really is. It’s often not possible for us to see it because our eyes are covered by clouds of pain, and our hearts wrapped in grief.
We just have to keep going. Keep looking for that beauty.
You’ve seen the sky after a big storm, filled with angry clouds. Gradually they start to lighten. A ray of sunshine breaks through. Those days will come. I’ve seen a few of them after a couple of years. Just like those stormy skies, the clouds often regroup and close off that opening, so the sun no longer shines through for awhile.
But the sun is persistant. It keeps finding openings to peek through. It melts the clouds off more and more.
Maybe seeing rainbows and cloudless skies is too much for us to hope for. But I think we’ll have only partly cloudy skies again. The beautiful world will replace the bleak one – most of the time. It just takes a lot of time.
We always recommend the Compassionate Friends. You’ll find people that know where you are, and you won’t have to worry about talking about Alex to them – because they know.
Bless you and your family.
Yes, thank you for this site. My 25 year old son, Omar, was killed on Dec. 30, 2011. He was shot by someone in our driveway as he returned home that night. At this point, we still have no idea who or why. Homicide detectives are still investigating. I cry all the time, and yet still, I know that despite this, I am still in shock. I must be in shock because otherwise, I would be hysterical. And there are moments when I AM hysterical. There are times when this is not real, and times when it is too real.
Jackie,
That is just horrible. I am so very sorry. I know those are only words, but as you are learning there really aren’t any words we can say when we grieve the loss of our children. Words can’t convey the feeling of absolute horror. It was a long time before I was able to get through the day without tears. And there are still times when the loss hits harder than usual. I guess there always will be. One thing I have learned is there is no “right” way to cope with this nightmare. We just have to live through one day, one minute at a time. I do hope you are able to find some answers.
You might give The Compassionate Friends a try when you feel you are able. They won’t be able to answer “WHY” but they are good at listening and they are all in the same boat, they have all lost a child somehow. And it does help us to be able to talk about our children with others, even to cry along with them as they share their stories.
You are alway welcome here, sometimes it may take us a day or two to respond but either Joe or I will respond to your comments. Joe is better at writing these articles and putting thoughts down, but he usually is right on target with what I feel also. And he always lets me know when we have a comment.
In the mean time we will keep you and your family in our prayers, and pray you get some answers, as well as the arrest of the person responsible for the death of Omar.
God Bless
my name is princess gbor i lost my son desmond on march 28, 2012 2 weeks before his birthday to be 5 in an apt swiming pool. it is an everlasting pain that cannot be heal. it’s so heart breaking and i donot know why but i am only depending on the almighty god for answers.
Dear Princess,
I understand how you feel! It is an everlasting pain, I can’t say the pain will ever go away, it gets softer, not as gut wrenching, but my heart still aches. I have found talking about Richard with people who have suffered the same sense of loss does help. My faith has been a great source of strength for me, as well as the love and support of my family. I do strongly recommend The Compassionate Friends as a source of support, they are all people on the same journey of grief and they are ready to support and listen.
Dear Joe,
It never ends, does it? We are in the third year of having lost our daughter, Charlotte Jennie to a brain tumor. I have found that even with my own loss, I have only the briefest glimpse of your experience. I can only say that many of the things you’ve written sound as if you opened up my brain and pulled the words right out of our own nightmare. Your point about not wanting to forget, about using your writing as therapy, being in the club nobody wants to be in.
Do you still want to kick in the teeth of people who, while trying to be sympathetic, say assinine things like, “God must have needed another angel” or “At least you had the time you had…?” Your considerate responses to other posters here make me think you’re far more patient than I am. I guess I’m still working on things. I’m sure I always will be.
Please feel free to visit our site if you need another perspective.
Thanks again for sharing your story and I wish you an enlightening journey.
Sincerely,
Roger Reynolds
I am sorry but I have to tell you….the pain, the agony, the sick, sinking feeling you get in your stomach, the crying, depression, YOU NAME IT….It never ends. And if any of you parents are able to move on after your child’s death, I truly envy you!!! It has been 9 years, to me I am more in shock that that amount of time has passed…What have I been doing for these past 9 years….NOTHING….Crying, morning, noon and nite,. remembering my son Adam laying in a coffin not moving…kissing him and saying. Adam …wake up, while his face was cold and as hard as a rock….him being a baby….You name it….I will NEVER, EVER, EVER be the same. I have friends who only want to be around happy, positive, upbeat people…so….bye, bye friends!!! Unfortunately, I am getting worse, not better….Doesn’t get softer, the pain, doesn’t get easier, the pain….Like I said…I envy you parents…who were able to move on!!! Put me n a room on a morphine drip…high drip dosage and let me lay in bed until my broken heart stops and I can be with my Adam..Miss you so friggin much…..Adam if you didn’t have a brother and sister to take care…I would surely be with you right now….They are growing up….just wait for me xoxo
There is no easy way to hear that your child has died.
What a handsome young man. I’m so sorry.
Hi! My name is Deborah,
I found this site by accident looking for grief books. I lost my oldest son David June 15, 2012. I found out about the accident on facebook. My son was killed by a hit and run driver while walking his bike in California. He was the 3rd Death bike related in southern California. Now it has reached 44. My life is a roller coaster and I do not even know how to recover from his loss. He and I were very close and the hole is huge. I pray alot but still struggle everyday. I am sorry to know that the rest of you also lost a child. My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain. David was 27 years of age. I will be putting him to rest August 18th. Thanks for listening. Deborah
Deborah,
Very sorry for your loss. There is nothing anyone can say except that we wish you strength and peace.
Roger
I found your site looking for edging ideas for my father’s grave and ran into the photo you posted of your son’s grave. It looks beautiful. I don’t know how it feels to lose a child but I lost my father May 5, 2012 and have found it difficult to not think about him every day. It’s as if I don’t understand why he was taken at such an early age (52 yrs old). My father was everything to me, and its been devastating. All I want is for him to be remembered as the loving father, husband son, and brother he was. Everyone says it gets better, but I can’t see that happening.
I am truly sorry for everyone’s loss here.
Jennifer
I lost my son to a hit and run driver in June. I put him to rest in Florida last Saturday. I am back home now in Alabama. I am finding it hard to move forward. I loved my son more than anything. Just don’t how how to stop the tears and move on. I just can’t seem to let go. Even after his memorial service. I don’t know what to do to even begin to recover from his loss. Any ideas. I could sure use them. I am exhausted from the tears.
I’ll wait to hear from you, Thanks, Deborah
Our son and his best friend died instantly when they were broadsided by a drunk drove who was going twice the speed limit. My heart goes out to you. Give yourself permission to take all the time you need to grieve your son’s death. There is no quick fix – believe me, I looked for one. One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.
Hugs and prayers.
Becky
Deborah,
Your pain is still very raw – I agree with Becky – there is no quick fix. I lost my youngest son, age 22, on June 4, 2010 (car accident) and I was numb for a long time. This coming holiday season will be our 3rd without our beautiful son and though I have managed to find happiness again in other things, such as my oldest son and his wife, the thought of Jake not being with us is at times, excruciating. The grieving process is so personal, no two people will ever grieve in the same ways. For myself, I had to keep talking about Jake, and I still do. I also created a memory box. I had a treasure chest custom made and inside it, I keep certain mementos of his life. Every few months I mix it up and move things around, or add to it, etc. I keep it on a furniture stand surrounded by favorite pictures of him and the people who meant so much to him in his life.
Take your time, let the tears flow – the pain will never go away, you’ll just learn how to cope with it when the time is right for you.
God bless,
Donna
Deborah, I am so sorry about the death of your son. I know just how you feel, and I won’t tell you it will get better. It doesn’t get better, the pain Will become less intense, softer, the tears will come less often, but the hole in our hearts will remain. I can’t begin to tell you what you should do, I can only say, take one day, one moment at a time and do what’s best for you. I have discovered every one of us have struggled with these questions, and you are not alone in this journey.
Since you found my husband’s blog, I assume you are online. Go to The Compassionate Friends web site and locate a chapter near you and consider attending some of their meeting. They were a great help to me. You’ll find everyone of the members have been dealing with the grief of a child’s death. It is a place you can go and talk about your son, shed some tears and lean on others who have been where you are.
The most important thing I can tell you, I think, is there is NO timeline, NO right way, No absolute order to moving forward. We’re still trying to. If you need to cry, let the tears fall, your heart’s been broken. No one understands this unless they have experienced it, so let the tears flow.
Joe found reading about grief and the experiences of others as well as writing this blog helpful. And he has a way of expressing things that I find are exactly what I feel as well. I know some people who have begun to journal about what they are going through, or just sat down and began to list the happy memories of their child. I haven’t been able to write much, I just like to tell “Richard stories” or especially hear others tell their “Richard stories”. Then there are the days I just mope around because I am missing him so much. And it’s been three years for us.
So, I don’t know how I can tell you it gets better. It just gets “softer” the days still come and go and we somehow manage to walk through them one step at a time. I have to say, though, what helps me the most is knowing I am not alone in this journey. Many others are there with me and many other have walked it before me. And finally, I can’t “honor” my son by not going on from day to day, living as best I can, because he lived his life so well. Richard tried right up to the day he died to live his life with love and laughter. He would be very disappointed in me if I didn’t try to do the same. Though the laughter part is hard sometimes, I can only be thankful for the love he brought into our lives.
Please take care and give some thought to contacting The Compassionate Friends, they really can help. If you have a church family or minister you can talk to, or just have a shoulder to lean on, would be another idea. You can always check back here with us. Joe or I usually try to respond to postings. Sometimes it is difficult, but we do read each one and keep all those on this journey in our prayers.
The most important thing in my opinion is NO one can tell you how you should feel or what you SHOULD be doing. You just have to take it day to day, one step at a time putting one foot in front of the other.
God Bless
Hi! Debbie,
Thank you for the info. I have left a message for Compassionate Friends. And I am going to try and go. Victim compensation as also approved my application to start more counseling. The young man who killed my son is in jail. His bond is to high to get out at this point. He hid for 7days but was turned in. So I am also dealing with the court system at this time. I have read every thing I can get my hands on about grief. Guess I am trying to hit it head on. But only to get kicked back. I will keep you updated when able. Everyday is different. Sadness, the giant hole in my heart and that anger keeps creeping in. I am still on my roller coaster ride and want to get off. Hoping all the efforts for support ease me some. Again thank you, Deborah
I never cease to be amazed at the many different levels of hell we go through. And they’re all terrible. Deborah, I lost my daughter to a brain tumor and part of my frustration is that there was no reason on which we could lay blame for why our daughter died. There is no one to blame.
You lost your son in a way that was completely preventable (it’s own type of pain) and you have the person responsible right there, “within reach” as it were, but I see that both scenarios are equally awful. As grieving parents, we (all of us) have the never ending challenge of not blaming ourselves. My wife and I are tasked with ceasing to search for reasons and you have the added responsibility of having to forgive the man sitting in jail; a mountain to climb that I can’t even imagine.
I can only offer you the knowledge that you are not completely alone. It’s not going to help much right now but we found that knowledge to be comforting eventually.
Peace and strength,
Roger
Hi. Just wanted to do an update. Since I lost my son David In june 2012. My life has spiraled out of control. I started have non epileptic seizures. They are calling them convusions. And they are stress coming out in a different way. It has been very hard. I think they are now under control, but will never know when they will come again. June is coming again and Davids death day will arrive shortly. I am afraid they will return when I go to Florida where his remains are. I still can’t let go. He was my life. And a drunk driver did all of this. Everyday I struggle to just breathe. Going to a psycologist hoping he can help get to the root of things. Wish me luck. Thanks for listening. Deborah
I stumbled on this site in a desperate search for a way to help myself. I lost my baby girl about 7 months ago. She was 15 and perfectly healthy. She woke up one morning and went into cardiac arrest…she didn’t survive. Worst of all, my younger daughter was the only one here when it happened. The ME found no specific cause of death…sudden cardiac arrhythmia.
I seem like I’m doing okay to everyone, friends and family. I am working and functioning, trying my best to be a good mother to my youngest daughter. I’m in counseling, trying to be social and keep going…but no one knows that every day I cry. My heart is broken and I don’t know how I am going to keep this up. I am not suicidal…I have responsibilities and I want to be here to see my only remaining child grow up…but I do feel like the rest of my life cannot go by fast enough.
Kerry,
First, I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post. I do try to keep up with them but sometimes it takes me a while. I am so very sorry about your daughter. And to have it witnessed by your youngest must have been a nightmare time 10.
It is hard. That the truth. It has been three and half years now since the death of our son and it still hurts, every day. But I can tell you the pain has gotten “softer”. I miss Richard every single day, there is always something that reminds me of him. And I know I will continue to miss him every day. But I do smile more now when I remember some little thing about him. The tears still come, but dear God, I am so very thankful to have had him in our lives to give us such wonderful memories.
I can’t tell you what to do or how to handle the grief. It is different for all of us. I can tell you though that you are not alone in your grief. I hope you have someone to talk to, as well as your youngest daughter. There is help out there. The Compassionate Friends group was very helpful for me. There is also a mother/daughter website; Open to Hope that may be helpful. Just remember you are not alone, there are a lot of us out here and no one can tell you how to feel or how your supposed to grieve. There is no time limit. But when you’re feeling at your lowest point remember those of us out here are right there with you, and give your youngest a bear hug. She is probably suffering right along with you but doesn’t know what to do about it.
Whatever you do, take care of yourself and God Bless.
Debbie Mudd
Kerry,
We all have different stories of losing children but here we are. You’re not alone. WE know you cry every day because we do too. It doesn’t ever stop hurting, sorry if you were looking for someone to say that. It just doesn’t. But you can lean into our little huddle and let the pain soften up a bit.
Don’t stop the counseling but don’t let ANYONE try to force you onto some kind of “recovery timetable.” It doesn’t exist. Your journey through the grief will go where it goes and will take as long as it takes. You can’t rush it.
You still have a lot of pain in front of you but I’ll say it again, you’re not alone.
Hug your daughter.
Strength and peace,
Roger
Here’s our latest blog post in case anyone wants/needs a little perspective.
http://blog.cjstuf.org/2012/11/it-never-really-ends.html
Take care all,
Roger
CJ’s Daddy
We just lost our 25 yr old son on Oct 13th to what the Dr’s called an enlarged heart. He was perfectly fine 5 minutes before it happened as he talked to his boss. And he’d been texting both his Mom and me all afternoon. He was happy that he’d won $50 on a football bet with his buddy.
I had just gotten home when his boss’s wife called asking if he was allergic to any medicine or anything. They had found him slumped over the steering wheel of his tractor not breathing.
There’s not been an hr yet that I haven’t thought of him as we were very close. Mornings are the hardest as he would always call me around 8:30ish just to say good morning and to see what I was doing. We had worked together for several years but had gone to work for his best friends Dad about 2 years ago. He had moved out on his own about 1½ year ago.
My Dad died 2 years ago on Oct 22nd. That was hard but nothing prepared me for loosing my son. People say they know how we feel, well they are wrong. Unless you have lost a child there is no way of knowing how you feel.
Maarten,
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are right – there is nothing to prepare you for the death of a child…and no one knows how you feel. Even those of us who have also lost children won’t know exactly how you feel since we all come from different perspectives and situations. But, from the depths of our hearts we understand what a great loss you have experienced. You are not alone. Hugs and prayers for your family.
I lost my beautiful daughter 8/14/12. She was driving home to get her pom poms for dance practice and was hit head on by a man who was on drugs and on parole. He hit her at 73 mph. She died instantly. I am pushing to have the laws changed due to this mans history and the fact that he was released all too soon. I also have a 2 year old little girl, and to be honest, she is the only reason I am still here. I have to raise her and take care of her just like I did Amelia. Some days I cry literally all day long, and feel so weak and hurt, and other days the hurt is there, but I can make it through and only cry once or twice. My life will never be the same as it was, I lost my heart that day. But I know I have to be here for my other daughter so I try every day to get through this somehow. But it is minute by minute…
Amanda,
I am sorry you are having to face this nightmare. You don’t say how old Amelia was but that really doesn’t matter, the pain is what it is no matter how long they are when they die. The heartbreak is overwhelming. The tears flow freely at times and trickle other days. It’s been 3 years and 6 months since the last time I saw Richard, and there are days still that I cry at the drop of a hat. But I keep going. That’s all any of us can do. Take each day as it comes, one step at a time, focus on those who still need us, like your little two year old. Hug often and let the tears flow when they come.
I hope you have someone to talk to. The Compassionate Friends were helpful for me. This group of people is made up of people just like us. Each and every one of them have suffered the death of a child. Some of them more than one. They listen and share stories about their children and cry along with us. Check out the national web site, just google The Compassionate Friends and you can find a chapter close to you. The site also has a lot of helpful information.
This will be our 4th Christmas without Richard I don’t cry as much, but this is the hardest time of year for me. So there will be days when the tears are close and flowing. But I’ve decided I don’t mind, he was my baby, and such a wonderful young man. He brought me so much joy my tears only show how much he was and is loved.
Just remember Amanda, when you’re feeling lost and your heart is aching and the tears are flowing you are not alone. There are many of us out here suffering right along with you. Our children may have died differently, their ages may have been different, but they were our children, we love them and our hearts broke when they were taken from us. You aren’t alone.
You were right when you said your life will never be the same. It is forever different. There is an empty place in our lives now. But I do thank God for having had Richard in our lives as long as we did. He was a blessing, as I’m sure your Amelia was to you. It is difficult to face each new day without them, but that is exactly what they would expect us to do. I know Richard would. He would be very disappointed if I didn’t “carry on”. So I take each new day one step at a time with my son close in my heart.
Take care of yourself and your little one, she needs her mommy, only you can tell her stories about her big sister. I hope you’ll contact The Compassionate Friends. In the mean time don’t be afraid to grieve, let the tears flow and don’t worry about it. Most of all hug your baby a lot. Stop by here and leave a message any time. One of us will try to respond. Remember you are not alone in your grief.
May God Bless you.
Joe and Debbie – You might remember that I stumbled across your site back in 2009 after a dear friend died. I googled “Grieving Sucks” and found you and read about your lovely Richard. Since then I have thought about your family many times – sending you love and healing thoughts and to all humans grieving such a loss. I love seeing how you connect with others in grief providing loving compassion to those who come your way. Big hugs to both of you! Misty
I would just like to say I understand your pain I am still on many medications because I have not been able to sleep since my daughter passed away 8 years ago it caused me great pain I lost my husband he was a jerk and never even went to the gravesite with me to see our baby he told me pointblank she is dead I can not help her and then the money that we had to help pay for her burial he took and me and my dad paid for her burial out of our pocket and he never gave me a damn thing in our divorce not even my childs things I am going to ask for them and some of my things since he would not let me have anything in our divorce and it says I get half of everything he sucks I am glad to be through with him and now he is getting his karma as they say well anyways I still am pissed off about losing my daughter pray pray pray is all they say it is GODS will screw him for taking my child I am mad as hell still He can have me and now I found out my beloved daddy has leukemia and I lost my uncle two months ago I am so tired so tired of crying and hurting and I do not know what to do???
I am sorry for all of your pains. I am here on this site because I lost my daughter suddenly from bleeding in the brain Dec. 2012 and everyone is trying to tell me that its time to move on, they wouldnt know what this pain feels like, right now im on a roller coaster ride. Life will never be the same and I dont know when I will get over this PAIN that is tearing my heart out.
Lisa, don’t let anyone tell you when it’s time to move on. You will know when that is. We lost our son this past Oct and while life goes and we have to go on, there’s not a day that we don’t grieve for him and we miss him something terrible.
Life will never be the same without our loved ones that’s for sure.
We’ll be praying for you.
Marten van Zielst.
Here i am again, just feeling down as it approaches the birthday of my daughter next month, May, she would have been 28 years. It has been four months now and each time the time of the month that I lost her comes around Im am down, as if it just happened. I went to a doctor and he told me to go home and put away all her pictures and just forget about her, now tell me, if I had knocked him out cold, I would not be responsible. How can you forget about your child, I carried her for nine month, took care of her, was the last person with her at the hospital, and I still hear when she called out to me with her last breath, I relive everything, most days. Sometimes I feel as if I dont have the energy to move on, but I do try as I have two other girls. The PAIN is hard. And I feel the pain of any parent who has lost their child. Let us pray for each other.
Lisa,
Forgetting is my biggest fear. I don’t want to forget my beautiful Charlotte Jennie. Neither does my wife. We have pics of her all over the house and our non-profit is named after her. We won’t be forgetting our baby girl.
I’ll bet you don’t want to either. Not sure what the doc was angling at but I do know you shouldn’t give up on seeing one. There are many good ones out there who will have a better grasp on your experience. keep reaching out for help and don’t give up!
In strength and peace,
Roger (CJ’s Daddy)
You are so right, I dont want to forget my babygirl as she like to call herself. I just want to be able to deal with the pain that comes with it. It feels good to know that there a persons out there that know exactly how I feel. I think I will name something that helps people after her. Again thanks.
Our daughter Alexis was only 17 yrs. old. Taken away from us too soon and too young, She was supposed to graduate, go to prom and their senior trip to Magic Mountain and after graduation ,her birthday, she was supposed to go toEurope as her graduation present with the school program . She never had the chance to do all this things.First off I would like to share to you about our daughter , she studies culinary art, won major awards , likes Disney and Star Wars.At school she raised funds called Miracle fund for Haiti which help those people who were affected by the disaster. She had the brightest smile and a big beautiful brown eyes.Most of her classmates would come to her for advice because she was easily to talk with and she had an old soul and so mature for her age.She talked 3 out of her friends not to kill themselves .She loved to bake and she was known for that because no matter who you are she will bake you a cake or cupcake whether it’s your birthday or just feeling down.Our nightmare began on March 17,2013 when she went out on a picnic with a boy from her school.She came home and told us that it did not go well.She was already home but for some reason she went out again and we might never find out why.10 min. later there was a thud on our door and when my husband opened it our daughter purse and cell phone was being thrown by the boy she went out with. When my husband ask him where our daughter was , he replied that he took her home half an hour ago.Thank God that my husband took his full name and address. I told my husband to look for her and we drove one block from our street and saw paramedics and police.We stood there for 5 hours and I showed them a picture of our daughter.they told us to go home and they would notify us if it was her. My husband waited and I went home just in case Alexis shows up. Half hour later my husband came home sobbing and told me that our daughter was dead. I think I stop breathing , yelled , cried and right there I just want to die too. Arranging for your child service is the most painful task to do as a parent, it hurts, you feel numb ,depress, in denial and all sorts of emotions comes thru your head. It is an endless nightmare and you are not the same person you are. They told me that there were 750 people at my daughter service. That’s how much she was well loved by her family and friends.As for me, I cry every night, why her? I ‘m sad , depress and broken. The worst part is who ever killed my daughter is free and the police are still trying to figure out what happened on that night. We may never find out, but all I want is daughter back!
what can anyone say to you, i truly understand your pain; there will be days when you just seem to cry all day, but go with the moods, it helps somehow. There are times when I really try to figure out if my daughter is really dead; i know she is gone but the mind just wont accept. As mothers we are the ones that truly feel the pain – fathers and siblings feel the pain, but i think mothers are destroyed somehow, ; we are never the same persons after we lose of child. During my daughter’s death and even now i pray a lot, it some how comforts me. I also asked why me, but there is a scripture passage that say ‘trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding’ I truly hope you and your family will heal with time; and it will take time.
Lisa, you are right when you said ” mother’s are destroyed .We carried them for nine months, took good care of them, tried our best to protect them , then suddenly they are gone. I know that I will never be the same person.I try to function the best I can but no matter what I do or where I go , the pain and the agony seems to intensify more. Ipray to God to give me the strength and the courage everyday. I am sorry for your loss and I too hope that you will heal in time.
Oh, Claudia. My heart goes out to you. Sending you hugs…from one bereaved parent to another.
Thank you Rebecca , it is so raw and so painful that there are days that I feel like a zombie. Nothing is the same anymore. Before I was scared to die and now I welcome death.I just cry all the time and don’ t feel like doing much. I pray to God to give me strength and courage to go on living.hugs to you too.
This is heart breaking..Claudia..and everyone else..I am so sorry for everyone. It is beyond unfair and cruel – no parent should have to suffer through this. There are no words or actions to reverse the fact that we are stricken to a life of agony knowing that we will never see our child grow a year older, open another Christmas gift, experience the joy of falling in love with the person they are going to marry, have children of their own – our grandchildren. I lost my beloved son, Jaymon, on 02/16/13 at the age of barely 16. He died from an accidental drug overdose and of course, I can hardly tolerate life now. It was so stupid and preventable and I still can’t believe this happened to our family and to him. He would hate knowing what he did to himself and I want nothing more than to turn back time and warn him and to maybe get a second chance – as I’m sure you all do. We are only 7 months and have all our firsts shortly ahead of us. My biggest fear is looking at his photo one day and recognizing how young he actually was. We have two younger children and Jaymon was our teenager. I dread the day my middle child turns 16 because I’ll know that by then I will have missed so much with him. He should be graduating this year, picking out colleges, driving around with his friends..he should be here.
Hi Claudi
Thanks, I know that one day all us parents who have lost our child/children will heal, we will never forget, but somehow by God’s grace we will heal. I am also happy that your are praying to the Lord to give you the strength because only he can-“The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you”. I know about going out and the pain- there are times when I go out and see other girls in my daughter’s age group and it hurts badly that my Latasha is not here. I have two other daughter and I also know that I have to be there for them also. I also hope that you have other children. The things you said about your daughter I just sat and pictured her. I hope you will have a blessed week , days and months to come.
Hi Lisa,
Yes I have two from my previous marriage but they are both adults and their dad passed away too .So Alexis is our only daughter from my second marriage . She was closed with her sister and she loved to cook with her dad. We tried to go on a 3 day vacation, sat on the beach and started crying because it will never be the same. People said we need to get out there but it’s the same whether we stay home or go out there. I hope you have a better day and good months ahead to come
My only child, my son, Aaron, died on September 13, 2013. Just two months to the day before his 23rd birthday. Aaron was addicted to heroin and we all thought he had overdosed. It took months and months but the coroner finally found that he died because he took some cough medicine (a regular dose) and he had taken a xanax (just 5 mgs).
Physically, my should not have died. It was the “perfect storm” of situations that caused him to suffocate over a long period of time that night. I saw him in his bed, lying on his back, blood already pooled in his body. He looked perfect. He had eaten a good meal, had a shower and fell asleep wearing a pair of my sweats. He was so beautiful.
I believe it was Aaron’s time to die because of the way it happened. I also believe he would have died a much more horrible death from heroin if it had not happened the way it did. I see God’s grace in the entire situation.
That being said, I will never be ok again until he & I are reunited some wonderful day. We were so extremely close. I adored my boy. Today my heart is broken in pieces. I get through the days, and I do have moments of great peace and comfort. But this sorrow is still always there. Always all around me and inside me.
It has been 287 days. It feels like only one most times. Today is especially difficult for no reason other than he’s gone. Oh how I miss him!!
Claudia
I know what you mean going out doesnt always work. On June 26 my youngest daughter graduated from High School. It should have been a very happy occasion, but I had my moments of tears because my Tash was not there. when I look back at my middle daughter graduation and saw her picture and how happy we were, the tears flowed. Every 4 of the month i go to peices because she died on the 4 December 2012. I now dislike Christmas and the month of May because that was the month she was born. As grieving mothers (parents) we can only try to comfort each other and help each other through this rough and dark period of our lives. God bless.
It gets harder and harder as time goes by.All I could think of is my baby girl. I don’t want to do anything unless it’s necessary.The pain is so unbearable . So many questions left unanswered .I don’t want to celebrate Christmas either because that’s one of her favorite holidays.i am so glad to found this site so I can bent out without being judge.From one parent to another I am truly sorry for your loss.May we find peace and comfort with one another as we grieve for our loss.God bless.
Claudia,
We are still not into holidays after three+ years. For us, most holidays have lost their meaning and the more commercial it is, the less we are into it. We don’t really give gifts other than donations to charity in the name of a few relatives, and the Hallmark-invented holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are right out.
We have good days and bad, the worst being her Birthday, Death Day, Diagnosis Day, and the worst of the worst believe it or not, First Surgery Day (by far, the worst day of my entire life). The bad days seem to be spreading out farther apart but I still have those days/weeks when it feels like a bus is parked on my chest. And the triggers are still there blindsiding me all the time.
But, we’re still pluggin’ along. I like to say I’m just treading water ’til I die.
Roger
I dread celebrating most holidays. Alexis was a happy child and she loves to cook and entertain. It’s almost 4 months since she passed away but there is no words that could describe the pain that we feel as a parent who lost a child.You are so right on how you describe ” like a bus is park on our chest”.There are times that I can’t breath or maybe I just don’t want to anymore.I hate it when people tell me to move on or God needs an angel or she’s in a better place.How can you move on when in an instant someone you love is taken away from you,why can’t God choose a different angel, she was already one here on earth and she was so dearly loved and she did’t ask for much but she was provided not only with love, guidance and teaching her to do the right things.I too seems to just exist , I know I will never be the same person that I was before. I seldom smile and I can’t wait to see my beautiful baby girl again.
This is hell.
To all of my fellow parents in grief, I read all of your posts and I can relate to each of you. The stages of grief that come in no particular order and don’t seem to stop…it isn’t easy. I know that “heavy” feeling. I used to ask my husband all the time, how can losing someone feel so heavy? My good days have started to out number my bad ones. My Zander died about a year and a half ago. She was 15 and by all accounts perfectly health. She just woke up one morning and went into cardiac arrest…I have another younger daughter and she keeps me going.
I have been through and still occasionally feel like I am waiting for my life to be over so that I can be with Alex again…or at least just not have to live without her anymore. Its like I want to hurry up and finish living. But my younger daughter is growing up so fast and I look at her and think that there is no way I would want to miss out on a second of her life. And Alex would be really angry with me if I didn’t give her 110%.
I think back often about Alex and it makes me smile…I try to remember how blessed I was to have her for 15 years. She made my life…and we told each other everyday how much we loved each other and we laughed a lot. But there are times when I wish I could go back to the day she died and just stay there. I don’t feel guilty for carrying on and feeling like myself again…but to feel the pain as intensely as I did that day would be a reflection on just how much I love my Zander…It’s almost like if I can feel it that intensely, she has to be able to feel it too…I don’t know if that makes any sense…
Keep your eyes open for signs…spiritual or not…religious or not…I believe that you can see and feel your child around you if you take the time to see it. After all, they are a part of you and not even death can ever take that away. My heart aches for each of you…and for the loss of my Zander. <3
As claudia said its good that we can come on this site and bare our emotions without being judged. And yes the birthdays, death day burial christmas, mothers day are my worst days. And I too wonder why my child and I resent anyone who tells , e that its time to , ove on, what do they knoe, they will never understand until the shoe is on their foot, though I dont wish this for my worst enemy. Now its summer and im thinking about this time last year, she was alive, and who would tell me that she only had until december 4 to be with me.Itruly know your pains, and pay that somewhere along the line we will find healing and will cry less and smile , ore when we think of our babies. May the Lord be with us all and lead us through our darkest hours.
I still believe there is God but I ‘m losing my faith.I have been a catholic all my life and ever since I remember I prayed rosary since I was a kid.I went to all girl’scatholic school and goes to church every Sunday and Chritmas eve.I always pray to God to protect my children, my family and friends.All my life I worshiped , prayed and honor God.Now I have so many questions left unanswered. Why didn’t he save my daughter? Why her?Where is the justice that she deserved ?Am I being punished? It goes on and on and on.is this my reward for serving God? Most people say that God only takes the good ones, I’m still here, that it means that I’m a bad person? It’ been 3 abd a half months since my daughter Alexis passed away and everyday I ask God to show me why she was taken. I’m still waiting.
My heart aches for those of you who have lost your children so recently. I lost my son 3 years ago, and though the pain is still there and my grief becomes unbearable at times, I am learning to go on. Jake was 22 and a wonderful young man, and while I understand questioning why God did this, I took a different approach and asked God to give me the strength to get through such an unbearable loss. I believe my prayers were answered, and while my life is definitely not the same, I have realized that I was extremely blessed to have him for 22 years – he was a delight as a child and turned into an ever better adult. The pain will always be there, and everyone grieves in their own way – and it takes a long, long time – don’t ever let anyone make you think you’re grieving too much or doing it wrong – there is no wrong way! Let your grief happen, it is truly necessary. Bless you all.
I came to this website looking for some relief from grief which never goes away. I lost my child of 19 years old his name was Sammy studying at BU in Boston. He was a good students all A’s in his classes. He was studying international relations and political science. I am from Oman and my wife is American. After two years at Bu my son suddenly got pneumonia which resulted in heart failure first his left ventricle failed then his right and they put a pump in his heart waiting for a heart transplant. I was traveling between Oman and Boston almost every two months. Our family was torn apart. In December 2013 he got complication of clots in his lungs and we were desperately waiting for heart but we never got one. The surgeon took him to replace the old pump with a new and more efficient one and clean hi lungs from the clots. He came out of the surgery and Dr told us everything went okay. But the nightmare started after two days in ICU when he got an infection and every Dr was trying to save my son’s life. My son passed away on 29th of December. I am emotionally and physically drained. I lost all the hope and faith in God because I constantly prayed for God to save my son. I am crying everyday and just miss him sooooo much. How a merciful God will let a 19 year old boy in his prime life to suffer so much. Life will never be the same but I have to continue living for my wife and my younger daughter to put her through the college. I am a father who grieves and please know that fathers also suffer from a lost child equally as mothers do.
Correction on my earlier submission, December 2012. Where the Christmas lights were still on in the beautiful city of Boston and people were arranging the celebration for new years eve me and my wife were arranging the painful arrangement for our son’s funeral.
Habib
I am sorry for your loss , like you my daughter Alexis passed away 3 months ago, she was only 17. I would be blunt with you and tell you that there is no easy way to deal with what we go thru.Nobody can understand unless they walked in our shoes.Some people are stronger than the other , good for them , but for most part I myself is on an auto pilot. I just do things because it needs to be done.Maybe you can join a support group, but this site is good start to bear all what we feel without being judge. There is no time limit on how to grieve and there are times when people will pissed you off , by saying things that might offend you. And yes it sucks big time to loose a child and you will never be the same. I cry everyday and I miss Lexie so much.You are not alone!
Claudia
No one can tell any one of us how we should feel. Not even other greiving parents. We can all understand each other, because we’re coming from a similar place of loss, but no one knows another’s feelings. Our pain, grief and loss is as individual as our children.
My son’s death was 10 months ago tomorrow. The pain is growing deeper & more painful, and I cry more and more often. I wear a mask of calm most times, but when I’m alone, I am like a wounded animal when I take off the mask of calm. I know I will NEVER “get over” losing my son. He was my precious only child. Nothing could ever take this pain away.
I feel like I was dealt a mortal wound, but somehow didn’t die. It will always pain me, it was break open & bleed when I least expect it. It will never heal. Not until I draw my last breath.
Habib, I’m so sorry about your son. That’s all I can say. I can’t make it better. No one and nothing can. But you are not alone in this. There are many here who will listen. There are a lot of other resources as well. I hope when you’re ready you look for & find some support. My heart breaks for you, just as it breaks for us all.
Claudia and Joy
I am crying now and wanted to thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I am repeating the same thing that I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you will find some comfort and solace in a hobby or whatever interesting thing you llike to do to keep your mind occupied other than thinking about your lost child. I am trying but it is so frustrating to accept the finality of death. I hope and if it is true that we will have a chance to meet our children again we HUG them and whisper in their ear “That daughter/son why you left us so early because the life without you was bitter and unbearable. ” Ohh how much I wish it were true.
Hi Joy, Habib and Claudia
I am reading these posts and still can cry, no not cry weep for all of us. We all ask why us- and like all of u im still waiting on an answer from the Lord. Each day Im drawn to her pictures like magnet to steel. There are times when I wonder if I could have done more to save my daughter, and sometimes it makes me feel like I let her down. The doctors said there was nothing I could do. On Sunday coming I want to visit her grave site and Im already in pieces, but by the grace of God I will make it through Sunday. As Joy V said no one can tell another grieving parent how they should feel, we can only be there to support each other. Habib I know exactly how you felt- my precious daughter left me in December 2012 also and Christmas sucked for me last year and it will suck for a long time.
I dont know when i really will get over losing my Tash. I talk to her everyday and night. Each time I get overwhelmed with emotions, I talk to God, even if I question him too as to why he chose my child – but I always think about this scripture verse “””””’ trust in the Lord with all thy might and lean not on our own understanding. Bless you all and take it one day at a time.
Each day is a struggle for me.My heart is so broken, I can’t stop thinking about my daughter. I cry all the time.I don’t have the energy to do anything except when it is necessary.Like I said before I was scared to die but now I welcome it.Why is it that one of us who wants to live the most, who deserve the most dies and the one s who deserve to die keeps on living? What’s the message in that?
Hi Lisa, Claudia
I cannot give you any more comfort but only to say I am so sorry for your loss of your precious daughters. We are all struggling, riding a terrible emotional boat through a big storm with dark clouds hanging over our heads with no sign of bright sunshine. It is our right to continue grieving as long as it takes, we can continue to be angry, we can hit our heads in the walls and bleed…… but I realize this will not give one ounce of benefit to our children and will never be able to get our children back. As I said I lost faith in God…… I read all kinds of books, Richard dawkins The God delusion. Evolution theories Big bang theories… just to prove to myself that there is no merciful God. The more I read the more I realized that universe and life with its complexity cannot be coincidence. There must be an Almighty creator and designer of this complex life. Is God merciful who took our children? I do not know. I was going into deep depression and saw a psychologist who gave Anti depression tablets. It helped a little bit.
But Lisa and Claudia we have no other choice but to come to terms and accept the tragic loss the life has thrown to us. Please Claudia I beg not have thoughts about welcoming death…..because we have other family members who depend on us to take care of them. I am sure if my beloved son Sammy is overlooking at my shoulder and I allow myself to go in more depression and neglect his mother and sister he will frown and hate me. So I have taken solace into taking care of my family and thereby showing more love to my beloved son. I still cry ad life will never be the same but I am also trying to accept and again put all my trust in God. There is no other way. I am just pouring my emotions here and do not know if I make any sense.
Hi Habib yes you do make sense and through all this muddle in life at losing our children we have to hold and believe in the Lord because only he can bring us through this storm; as sit here writing I am crying for my daughter, but tears will not bring her back. I will just have to find ways of going through this time in my life. No matter how many pills we get from the doctor for our depression, it only helps for a while. You, me and all the other grieving parents will have to stand by Claudia and help her through even as we ourselves are trying to find our way; but we don’t want her to fall by the way. God bless you all and may we one day find comfort and can think about our children without tears but with fond memories. Again may you all have a blessed week.
My son Josh was born in 1988. Josh was a very happy baby that loved life. He was the talk of the area and I spent as much time as I could with him. I was in the US Navy and deployed. I did witness the birth of Joshua and his dealing with a rare, severe kidney disease. At the age of 15 months, Josh was diagnosed with a Severe Kidney disease that crippled him. We had him admitted to Yale New Haven Hopsital because of his kidneys. The very first night, I was up from 6 PM to 6 AM. I did shifts with my wife at the time. She was asleep at 2:06AM. I was watching Josh sleep and his breathing stopped. I quickly called the nurse and told her. His breathing stopped for 3 seconds. Luckily, he was revived. But, for the rest of the 18 plus years of his life Josh was in for Chemothearapy, Disalysis and the final stage a kidney transplant. Sadly, I could not give him one of mine due to my hypertension and my severe depression. It is still taking a toll on me today. But, right after the surgery, Josh’s body started to reject the new kidney. It was fighting to destroy the kidney and I guess it was making Joshua sick. Needless to say, Josh was admitted consistently after this procedure and started gaining weight and losing his small body structure due to medicines. But in October of 2009, Josh was sitting at the living room table eating dinner with his Mom (we are divorced) and he fell over in his chair and passed away immediately, Sadly, my own family told me that Josh had died 15 days after it happened. I am hurting fro the loss of my son and what they did to me. Josh died of a massive brain hemorrhage. There was blood all over him and came out from all parts of his body. Luckily the death report said he did not suffer bit it happened quickly. I am still hurt today and I feel like the world is closing in on me. I admitted myself for treatment with no results. I love and miss my son and wish that it was me that was sick, not him. I have lived my life and he was just starting. Please do not feel sorry for me. Just understand my pain and anguish. I cry everyday for about 2 hours and have no one to talk with and no friends because of my feeling bad. If someone would like to talk with me and share a similar scenario, please do so. My address is there for you.
Heartbroken
Dave